Procrastination is a healing word

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It’s too wet to work outside today and I’ve been sitting around playing games on my phone instead. There is plenty of work I could be doing inside but I felt the need to download for a bit so here I am.

My last post was a few months back and all it said was, I’m back, watch this space. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly time can fly when we don’t make the effort to stay on track. I could give a million and one reasons as to why I haven’t written ANYTHING for the last year but the truth is I’ve been procrastinating.

It’s the same with so many areas of my life at the moment. I have to quit smoking, dairy, and gluten, lose weight, and get back to swimming, and writing and I keep saying, Yeah, Yeah I know!!!! I want to meditate daily but don’t usually think about it till 30 seconds before I fall asleep. There are a hundred and one jobs to do around the property but instead of finishing just one, I go out and find another to add to the list and rarely finish any of them. I say I will commit to writing daily and rarely last more than a few weeks.

Sometimes I wonder if a part of the problem is that I have too many interests/jobs/commitments and end up feeling so overwhelmed I don’t do anything; part of me says, bullshit šŸ™‚

Part of it is that I don’t have the energy levels that I used to have, thanks to Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, and Autism; but I also know that if I dealt with some of the things that I’m not doing, my health would be a lot better than it is.

Part of it is an overwhelming sense of grief and loss and a deep-seated belief that whatever I do, it will never be enough. I no longer blame my childhood on this one, I chose to keep walking this path long after I realised it no longer served me, and I’m the one who consistently refuses to face the lessons I need to learn. Part of it is guilt, frustration, anger, hopelessness, blah, blah blah. A lot of it is excuses.

Time and again I find myself confronting the word procrastination. I’ve looked at it inside out, upside down, back to front, and every which way I can. I’ve analysed myself on so many levels trying to work out why I do it and I’m still none the wiser.

The only thing I suppose I can say is that I’ve come to realise that procrastination can be a tool for healing. It took a long time for me to learn how to notice when I am procrastinating, (mindfulness helps this) and what I have found is that when I am doing it, if I take a moment to ask myself why, I often find that there is fear lurking in the background.

Take writing for example, I have wanted to write a book for as long as I can remember. I love writing and have journalled/written poetry and short stories since I first learned how to write. And yet, every time I start working towards a story that could become a novel, I get so far and then stop. Sometimes it will be months before I even realise I haven’t written anything. This is one I have pulled to shreds and I know it is fear of failure behind the procrastination. I also know that until I start writing for myself and not to impress my father (like that will ever happen lol) I will continually face this wall.

Other things aren’t always so obvious but I’ve found that I can usually see a pattern once I start unpacking the procrastination. Of course, then I procrastinate about actually dealing with it šŸ˜€

The sun has come out and I thought that before I finish up, I’d have a quick scout on the net to see if I could find some appropriate quote to finish. I found this instead šŸ™‚

https://zenhabits.net/procrastination-fears/

Namaste

Raven

A.L.A.S

Moving Day 1

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Well, Karen’s place is all packed up and we’re just waiting on the removalists to arrive. There were a few tears last night, leaving in any capacity brings its sorrows, but when it’s been your first home it’s always that bit harder. I’m sure I’ll be no different tonight as we pack up the last of the things at my place.

We’re both exhausted but really happy that the end is nigh, it’s been a very long month.

Catch you all on the other side šŸ˜Š

Namaste

Raven

A.L.A.S

Nearly there…

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Ā We’re taking a well deserved break this evening, thanks Dad for putting on a bbq for us. Both houses are ready for the removalists and mine just has a few cupboards to finish off later next week.

We still have quite a bit of shed stuff to move from my place but hopefully we will knock it over quickly.

Then the fun of cleaning my rental begins and getting Karen’s place ready for sale and unpacking all our stuff and dealing with the overgrown gardens and paddocks that have got away over Christmas and settling the animals into their new home and working out buses for Nick and finding work (for me) and returning to work for Kaz and shit, why did we do this?

Lol, oh well, as much as we are exhausted and there is so much more to do, I’m really glad we finally made the decision to move in together.

Can’t wait till Tuesday night, first one in our new home and as for the rest, I’m just taking it one day at a time and trying to enjoy the process.

Right now I’m doing just that. I’m sitting on the front steps, taking in the view of the Dial Range and enjoying the shade and the cool breeze.

Hope everyone is well wherever you are xx

Namaste,

Raven

A.L.A.S

Blogging101 – Day 3: Say hello

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Todayā€™s assignment: follow five new tags in the Reader and five new blogs.

Fond Impertinance – “This is a blog about liberty, justice, society, science, and, often, the language we use to discuss them. I also sometimes stray onto other things that strike my fancy, like rocks”, by JSD
I found this blog after searching the tag ‘wilderness’. I loved the few posts I read, definitely worth a look.

Ken Bennison’s Photography beautiful wilderness photography from Northern Ontario, another one I found by searching the wilderness tag.

The Trailhead This blog came up under the tag for wildlife. Some really great photography and interesting stories. I particularly like this one https://jenniferkbowman.wordpress.com/2015/12/01/animals-who-close-their-eyes/

Uncle Spikes Adventures This is another one that popped up under the wildlife tag. It’s a pretty expansive blog and I haven’t had a chance to do it justice yet but aside from the interesting looking Blog Guide, what drew me in was the way Uncle Spike has formatted the blog. There is a lot to learn from this one if you’re new to blogging.

Brevity While Brevity (the magazine) publishes the finest examples of flash nonfiction we can find, the Brevity Blog is the place to discuss the business of writing, editing, and publishing, the writing life, career and inspiration, the ongoing struggle to believe in our writing, favorite books (including classics) and favorite essays, conference panels, etcetera. Keep these in the 500 to 1,000 word range, please.
I found this one on the Discover tag and it looks like it’s definitely worth checking out. Looking forward to being settled in to our new home so I can spend more time perusing all the wonderful blogs I keep coming across.

Namaste

Raven

A.L.A.S

Blogging101 – Day 2: Take control of your title and tagline.

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Todayā€™s assignment: edit your title and tagline.

“Deep inside the forest” I found,

Another Life,Ā Another Story

When I was about 10 years old I came across the tv series, Grizzly Adams, and I fell in love. I fell in love with the man, the animals, and the way of life, but mostly I fell in love with the wilderness. Not long after, my parents took me on a holiday to Katoomba in NSW, Australia and for the first time in my life, I experienced the beauty and tranquility of being surrounded by mountains and forests that took my breath away. At that moment I made a vow to myself that one day I would escape the city and live in a place like this.

Jump forward 10 years and I found myself living in Tasmania, Australia. Still living in the suburbs but surrounded by some of the most amazing wilderness on earth, I dreamt of a day when I could buy a home out of town and finally realise my childhood dream. Over the next 15 years, I spent countless hours roaming through the wilderness, falling more in love every day and finally coming to the realisation that I not only wanted to live in the bush, I needed it. Coming home to the suburbs from these bush walks always left me feeling like there was a huge piece missing from my life. It was only when I was out in the wilderness, surrounded by the tranquility and peace of the forest, that I found I was able to really relax and unwind.

On the 20th of November 2015, my wife and I finally did it. Hmmmm, that is to say, we finally bought a home in a beautiful rural/bush area of North West Tasmania. At the moment we are going through the hectic process of relocating but we are almost there and next week we will finally be living in our new home.

When Michelle asked us to think about the name and tagline for our blog, I realised that a big part of what I want to share with my readers all stems from this childhood dream. I chose Lifetimes (plural) of Gratitude for my site name because I believe that I have lived many times before and I’m happy to stick with that for now but I wanted to change my tagline to reflect the thoughts I’ve written about here today.

“Deep inside the forest” is the first line from the song, Maybe, by Thom Pace which was the theme song for Grizzly Adams. The second part of the tagline is a reference to the way I tag my posts, poetry, stories, and illustrations.
Another Life, Another Story, because I believe this isn’t the first time I’ve been here and probably won’t be the last going on the way I’ve managed to majestically screw up so much of the first 47 years.

My current journey has brought with it a lifetime of dealing with depression and anxiety, autism, gender and sexuality issues, and very low self-esteem. I am so grateful that the last seven years have seen me finally living in a space where I have learned to appreciate my own worth and while I’m sure there will be many lessons to learn throughout my remaining years, I’m very happy with the place I’m in right now.
A large portion of my personal growth has occurred in the wilderness and it’s within this sacred space that I want to share,
Another Life, Another Story.

Namaste

Raven

A.L.A.S

Our new home: “Baile” Natone, Tasmania

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Inspired by Maybe – Thom Pace 1979.

Deep inside the forest
Is a door into another land
Here is our life and home
We are staying, here forever
In the beauty of this place all alone
We keep on hoping
Maybe
There’s a world where we don’t have to run
And maybe
There’s a time we’ll call our own
Living free in harmony and majesty
Take me home Take me home
Walking through a land
Where every living thing is beautiful
Why does it have to end
We are calling, oh so sadly
On the whispers of the wind
As we send a dying message
Maybe
There’s a world where we don’t have to run
And Maybe
There’s a time we’ll call our own
Living free in harmony and majesty
Take me home
Take me home

Blogging101 – Day One: Introduce Yourself to the World

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Hi world,

I decided to participate inĀ Blogging101 to kickstart my New Year and hopefully learn some useful tips to improve my blog. Day One has asked us to do an introduction for a new blog or expand a little on what we already have if we’ve been writing for a while.

I’ve been blogging off and on for a few years now, I think I’ve had about 5 different WordPress sites and a few other ones that I can’t remember now. Some of them have faded into the neverlands of “I can’t remember my password” and/or “my email address linked to that account”, others I just got bored with or didn’t like the way it was developing and being a rather anal/autistic/OCD type of person, it was easier to start a fresh blog than try to delete a year or two of posts that I don’t like or want to share anymore.

So why this blog?

In 2014 I challenged myself to do a Year of Gratitude on Facebook. I had a vague idea that I might one day turn the posts into a book but decided once it was over to upload them to my blog and share them with the Universe, just because I can.

I’m still in the process of editing the last few months and tidying up a few loose ends but the whole 12 months is up and available to read if you care to have a look.

As to where to next…..

Well, I’m not sure at this stage.

I signed up for Poetry101 a few weeks ago (loved it, give it a go!) and have signed up for Writing201Ā in February. At the moment I think the main focus is just getting myself back into the habit of writing and that leads me to why I’m blogging rather than just writing in the closet.

One of the things I discovered about myself during my Year of Gratitude is that I have a really big problem motivating myself. Because I had committed publicly to posting every day for a year I found it a lot easier to push myself each day, out of my comfort zone, out of depression days, and up to the computer to write. When I finished the year I had no reason to write every day and very quickly I found that I wasn’t writing at all.

I love writing but some days I need a push and for me, the commitment of having an audience, (real or imagined) is enough to get me to the computer. Doing courses like this one helps as well and there are plenty of other sites that offer motivation to writers when they can’t find it themselves.

I’d like to develop this blog into a journal that reflects the lessons I learned from committing to a daily act of gratitude as well as anecdotes about life in general, my wife and kids, our farm, pets, autism, art, music, poetry, well just about anything really.

I’m hoping that by the end of this year, I will be fully committed to writing again and will have dragged out my old notebooks and started to seriously devote time to my novel writing.

In the meantime…..

We are about to move house onto ten and a half acres of pasture and bush, I’m exhausted from packing but there is still so much more to do so I better stop doing this and start doing that.

Chat to you all on the commons.

Namaste

Raven

A.L.A.S

Now

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“Sometimes, we get caught up in nostalgia, future fantasy, or both, and we donā€™t embrace the ā€œnow.ā€ For this weekā€™s challenge, take a moment to notice your present, and share a photo of it”.
Written in response to The Daily Post – Photo Challenge –Ā Now

Now

Today started with more stress than I care to deal with so this challenge was timely and appreciated.

Combining Christmas and moving house is never an easy thing and although it has been going relatively smoothly, there have been moments when I’ve felt like pulling my hair out.

So…

I took a moment to stop.

To appreciate the now in my life.

To sit and watch the water as it sprayed amongstĀ the ferns and watch the light dancing on the fronds.

I took a moment to recover, to appreciate, to enjoy and I am grateful for the reminder to live in the now.

Namaste

Raven

A.L.A.S

Now

Carpe Diem

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Today I finally uploaded the rest of my Year of Gratitude to my blog. Although the editing isn’t quite finished and I have a ton of images to manually insert, I am extremely grateful that it’s finally up.
Seeing only half the months listed was quite disconcerting when I knew all the material was there and how much time and effort went into achieving that year.
When I read the final post I was overwhelmed again by how much this year meant to me. So I’m sharing it again lol.

Day 365, Wednesday 22nd April 2015

One year ago today, I started a week of gratitude, thanks in part to the inspiration provided by Jo Green The Wollstonecraft Legacy (link no longer valid)Ā At the end of that week, I decided to challenge myself to a year of gratitude. At the time, I thought it would be fun, maybe a bit challenging, and possibly a good learning curve. I was wrong.

This past year of gratitude has been amazing, it has been enormously challenging and it has been an even bigger life lesson than I ever dreamed possible.

I have spent many hours soul searching for things to write about; things that are really important to me. In doing this I have gained a deeper appreciation of all the wonderful people and events in my life and I feel I have come out of this with a greater awareness of the need to be grateful and to actively acknowledge my blessings.

There have been days when I honestly felt like saying, ā€œFuck this shit, Iā€™m going to Wonderlandā€ and just as many days when, although the mind was willing, the heart just wasnā€™t in it. There are many posts that reflect this, a simple meme, gratitude for Panadol or some other painkiller, or posts that just didnā€™t have the heart in it that I know I could have given.
At first, I would get cranky with myself on these days, because a part of me felt that if I was going to do this, I had to do it to the best of my ability, and therein lies the answer, I WAS doing it to the best of my ability. On those days when everything felt like it was falling apart, I did my best to find something to be grateful for, no matter how small it was and that was the whole point of doing this.

It is easy to be grateful when everything is going right, but not so easy when everything is going wrong. Committing to this year of gratitude forced me to look deeper, to push beyond the depression and grief, to search out the reasons that have held me on this planet for 46 years.

And some days that has been bloody hard.
I love my kids, I love my family, I love Karen, I love my friends, I love my life and I love me, but depression has an insidious way of camouflaging everything we love, it turns our focus inwards. In some ways, I consider myself lucky. Iā€™ve battled with depression since childhood and I have a pretty good idea of what that means for me and how best to handle it. I know my triggers and I know what I can do to help me get through those low periods, but it has been a constant struggle for longer than I can remember and when you are constantly fighting something, you get pretty damn tired.

I have known for a long time, the impact that chronic depression has on the body and mind; what I didnā€™t know was that all these years of fighting had taken an enormous toll on my appreciation of life. I have spent so many years fighting to stay alive that I had forgotten how to live. I had forgotten how to ā€˜stop and smell the rosesā€™ and it was only on occasions that something or someone would penetrate the mists in a way that brought me out of myself that I would ā€˜seeā€™ what was really going on around me.

Of course, Iā€™ve had intensely happy periods of my life, so many with my children, being in love, amazing holidays, or great jobs, and often during those periods my depression would lift for weeks or months at a time.

Eventually, though, the darkness would start to overshadow everything and Iā€™d be back to fighting again.

But this year something changed.

I stopped fighting.

And I started being grateful, really grateful, and it has changed my life.

The depression is still with me, I am constantly aware of it sitting on my shoulder and whispering in my ear but something else has joined it. Alongside the whispers that tell me my life is shit, is the voice of gratitude reminding me how extraordinarily good my life is and itā€™s loud, so much louder than the voice of depression.

Today, on the last day of my Year of Gratitude, I am grateful that I committed to this and I will be eternally grateful for the lessons I have learned.

Namaste

Raven

A.L.A.S