It’s too wet to work outside today and I’ve been sitting around playing games on my phone instead. There is plenty of work I could be doing inside but I felt the need to download for a bit so here I am.
My last post was a few months back and all it said was, I’m back, watch this space. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly time can fly when we don’t make the effort to stay on track. I could give a million and one reasons as to why I haven’t written ANYTHING for the last year but the truth is I’ve been procrastinating.
It’s the same with so many areas of my life at the moment. I have to quit smoking, dairy, gluten, lose weight, get back to swimming, writing and I keep saying, Yeah, Yeah I know!!!! I want to meditate daily but don’t usually think about it till 30 seconds before I fall asleep. There’s a hundred and one jobs to do around the property but instead of finishing just one, I go out and find another to add to the list and rarely finish any of them. I say I will commit to writing daily and rarely last more than a few weeks.
Sometimes I wonder if a part of the problem is that I have too many interests/jobs/commitments and end up feeling so overwhelmed I don’t do anything; part of me says, bullshit 🙂
Part of it is that I don’t have the energy levels that I used to have, thanks Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Autism; but I also know that if I dealt with some of the things that I’m not doing, my health would be a lot better than it is.
Part of it is an overwhelming sense of grief and loss and a deep seated belief that whatever I do, it will never be enough. I no longer blame my childhood on this one, I chose this path and I’m the one who consistently refuses to face the lessons I need to learn. Part of it is guilt, frustration, anger, hopelessness, blah, blah blah. A lot of it is excuses.
Time and again I find myself confronting the word procrastination. I’ve looked at it inside out, upside down, back to front and every which way I can. I’ve analysed myself on so many levels trying to work out why I do it and I’m still none the wiser.
The only thing I suppose I can say is that I’ve come to realise that procrastination can be a tool for healing. It took a long time for me to learn how to notice when I am procrastinating, (mindfulness helps this) and what I have found is that when I am doing it, if I take a moment to ask myself why, I often find that there is fear lurking in the background.
Take writing for example: I have wanted to write a book for as long as I can remember. I love writing and have journalled/written poetry and short stories since I first learnt how to write. And yet, every time I start working towards a story that could become a novel, I get so far and then stop. Sometimes it will be months before I even realise I haven’t written anything. This is one I have pulled to shreds and I know it is fear of failure behind the procrastination. I also know that until I start writing for myself and not to impress my father (like that will ever happen lol) I will continually face this wall.
Other things aren’t always so obvious but I’ve found that I can usually see a pattern once I start unpacking the procrastination. Of course, then I procrastinate about actually dealing with it 😀
The sun has come out and I thought that before I finish up, I’d have a quick scout on the net to see if I could find some appropriate quote to finish. I found this instead 🙂