Oops! Just found this in my drafts. Should have been posted in 2020 🙂

What a year!

I just logged on and realised I haven’t posted since December last year, oops. It’s been a crazy, scary, enlightening year so far and I thought I’d share some reflections on what I’ve discovered since Covid invaded our lives.

As much as I enjoy the company of friends and family, I have always needed to hermit regularly to cope with the influx of energy from being in other people’s space. This year, I have been forced home for nearly five months and I discovered how easy it is to become VERY comfortable with the hermit lifestyle. So comfortable in fact that I found myself experiencing anxiety every time I had to go out. I have just recently returned to face-to-face classes at my art school and meetings with my community group and it is proving to be very challenging.

Unlike a lot of people I know, I haven’t been alone over this period. My wife and son live with me, so I have had people to talk to. I know this makes for a very different experience compared to those who have been living alone and my heart goes out to everyone in this situation. Then there’s the people who have been forced home into unsafe living environments and I can’t even imagine what they are going through.

So, I have struggled with an ethical dilemma during this period. Part of me has desperately needed to cocoon myself from the fear and stress that covid has wrought on the world, and part of me, the part that loves and lives for community engagement, has wanted to do all I can to support the communities I work with. At what point do we step back and say, “I can’t do this anymore?” I am crying as I write this because I love working with and for my community and I want to keep doing this. But, my health has been compromised over the years from working too hard, exposing myself to vicarious trauma, and struggling to maintain personal boundaries and self-care. I took nearly 18 months off from all work and only returned, in a limited capacity, towards the end of last year. In a lot of ways, I feel that Covid has set me back nearly two years.

I’m frustrated with my body and its inability to function well, and how long it is taking to recover. I am being sensible and trying to limit how much I take on, but even the little I am doing is too much some days. When your body, mind, and soul experience a total collapse, there is no rhyme or reason, no ETA on how long it will take to recover.

It doesn’t help that I have had to let go of coordinating a major yearly event either. This event was my baby, started seven years ago, and I am very proud of what we have achieved. At the moment, handing it over to someone else to co-ordinate, feels like I have lost something important. I know I haven’t lost it. I know that even though the event was my brainchild and for the most part, I have been responsible for the bulk of the planning, it was never MY event. It has always been and always will be a group event. What I am struggling with is that I have had to hand over the organising because I CAN’T manage the workload, not because I don’t want to do it. I feel like I am handing over my child. Silly maybe? But the grief is real. I know I can and will continue to be a part of the event planning and running, I just have to learn to adjust to the changes.

Namaste

Raven

A.L.A.S