Day: August 3, 2023

What is it with all the gaps between posts?

/ A.L.A.S / Leave a comment

I’m starting to think that blogging isn’t my cup of tea.

Recently, I entered a short piece in a local zine. In the entry details, they suggested adding links to your site/s. Sure, why not? Well, maybe the fact that my last post was 4 years ago might be a good reason to not promote myself too widely.

Anyway, I’m back, again. No promises this time. I’m a lazy blogger, but only because I’m busy with so many other things. When I finally worked out how to get back into this site, I found an unpublished post from 2020. It’s published now. Better late than never.

So much has happened since my last post from 2020. My health is better than it was, but I’m now dealing with emphysema because guess what? I didn’t quit smoking. Self-inflicted so I’m not going to complain.

I ended up pulling out of the Visual Arts course because they couldn’t convert it to a sustainable online environment, and by the time we were allowed back into the classroom, everyone’s tempers were so frayed I just lost interest. But it was fun, and I learned a lot, the most important thing being that I need creativity in my daily life.

The following year I enrolled in university to do a Dip Art – English major because why not? It was offered to me for free because I have been a part of a Dementia Research study for the past five years. They’re trying to determine if keeping our brains active reduces the risk of dementia. The first two years were great, even though I did fail one unit and had to apply for remission because my health packed it in mid-semester. I also discovered I have ADHD on top of autism, so that explains A LOT! This should have been the beginning of my third year (part-time, so two more years to go), but I pulled out last month. Sometimes, what we want, and what we can do, don’t always agree. There’s been a lot of family stuff going on, a new job, and combined with health issues, my stress levels were getting way too high. So, I had to reassess my priorities, and unfortunately, uni was the only thing I was willing to let go of. I’ll go back one day, maybe, if it’s what I really want, but for now I’m okay with my decision.

You would think that giving up uni would mean I’d suddenly have a lot of free time. You would be wrong lol. I’ve been busier than ever and what I have realised, is that I was constantly putting important things on the to-do list because of uni deadlines. Now that is no longer the case, I’m finally getting those things done.

One of those things is trying to decide why I started this blog and what I want to say if anything. Honestly, I’m not all that interested in writing about all my crappy life experiences, nor do I think it would be of benefit to anyone. I’m a little tired of the mental health recovery journey. Being a lived experience speaker for a few years put that one to bed for me and while it was empowering and useful and definitely a space that needs to keep being talked about, I don’t have the energy for it right now.

One idea I have played with is whether to document my journey as a blocked/emerging artist. I know that when I first admitted to myself how much I need creativity in my life, I felt a huge wave of grief for all the lost years, and I honestly wondered if it was too late to start.

I’ll think about that one and get back to you. Hopefully before 2027 😀

Namaste

Raven

A.L.A.S

Reflections on Covid – 19

/ A.L.A.S / Leave a comment

Oops! Just found this in my drafts. Should have been posted in 2020 🙂

What a year!

I just logged on and realised I haven’t posted since December last year, oops. It’s been a crazy, scary, enlightening year so far and I thought I’d share some reflections on what I’ve discovered since Covid invaded our lives.

As much as I enjoy the company of friends and family, I have always needed to hermit regularly to cope with the influx of energy from being in other people’s space. This year, I have been forced home for nearly five months and I discovered how easy it is to become VERY comfortable with the hermit lifestyle. So comfortable in fact that I found myself experiencing anxiety every time I had to go out. I have just recently returned to face-to-face classes at my art school and meetings with my community group and it is proving to be very challenging.

Unlike a lot of people I know, I haven’t been alone over this period. My wife and son live with me, so I have had people to talk to. I know this makes for a very different experience compared to those who have been living alone and my heart goes out to everyone in this situation. Then there’s the people who have been forced home into unsafe living environments and I can’t even imagine what they are going through.

So, I have struggled with an ethical dilemma during this period. Part of me has desperately needed to cocoon myself from the fear and stress that covid has wrought on the world, and part of me, the part that loves and lives for community engagement, has wanted to do all I can to support the communities I work with. At what point do we step back and say, “I can’t do this anymore?” I am crying as I write this because I love working with and for my community and I want to keep doing this. But, my health has been compromised over the years from working too hard, exposing myself to vicarious trauma, and struggling to maintain personal boundaries and self-care. I took nearly 18 months off from all work and only returned, in a limited capacity, towards the end of last year. In a lot of ways, I feel that Covid has set me back nearly two years.

I’m frustrated with my body and its inability to function well, and how long it is taking to recover. I am being sensible and trying to limit how much I take on, but even the little I am doing is too much some days. When your body, mind, and soul experience a total collapse, there is no rhyme or reason, no ETA on how long it will take to recover.

It doesn’t help that I have had to let go of coordinating a major yearly event either. This event was my baby, started seven years ago, and I am very proud of what we have achieved. At the moment, handing it over to someone else to co-ordinate, feels like I have lost something important. I know I haven’t lost it. I know that even though the event was my brainchild and for the most part, I have been responsible for the bulk of the planning, it was never MY event. It has always been and always will be a group event. What I am struggling with is that I have had to hand over the organising because I CAN’T manage the workload, not because I don’t want to do it. I feel like I am handing over my child. Silly maybe? But the grief is real. I know I can and will continue to be a part of the event planning and running, I just have to learn to adjust to the changes.

Namaste

Raven

A.L.A.S