“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.” Ambrose Redmoon

How many times can you sit down to write something and quit before you start?

Apparently, that number is infinite.

Many years ago I came across a YouTube video about a man called Paul Smith. Paul was born with Cerebral Palsy and his parents were told he would never have much of a life. His movements are greatly impeded by the condition and it would be easy to feel pity for him. But Paul discovered what he could do.

This interview with Paul really changed my perspective. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svzPm8lT36o

I’ve been plagued with conditions over the years that have impacted my ability to do what I love, and I’ve often struggled to keep going in the face of pain, frustration and limited mobility. But watching Paul’s video interview and hearing him speak about his views on life spoke to the depths of my soul. When people say to Paul, ‘I couldn’t do that!’ he always replies, ‘Well, what can you do?’

It made me think about all the things I can do, and while I might have some limitations around how long I can do it, there are many things I can do. I realised that I would often use my limitations as an excuse to not try. If I don’t try I can’t fail, right? It’s an old cop-out and one I’ve been aware of for decades, and sometimes it’s hard to not feel ashamed. But I know why I do it and I’m working through those things, so I try to be gentle on myself while still pushing forward and through the fear.

Writing has always been my first love, my greatest passion, and my deepest fear. It exposes me in ways that terrify me, and it opens me up to being vulnerable and hurt. For as long as I can remember I have committed my hopes and dreams, my fears, anger, hate, and everything I want and need to say to the page in some vague attempt to purge myself of who knows what. Rarely do I ever share those thoughts with others. But I don’t write to just clear my head. Journalling, or morning pages, or whatever you want to call the practice is a wonderful process and I highly recommend it for everyone, but it’s not the sort of writing I need. Once I have offloaded all the extraneous thoughts and processed the anxieties, the deadlines, the frustrations and to-do lists, then I start to write. Or not, as has been the case of late.

The closer I get to discovering what I really want to write about, the harder it becomes to actually write. The closer I get to discovering what I really want to write, the more I realise how vulnerable, real, and honest I need to be to write it.

It’s not that I plan to tell my life story in any great detail, but I am highly aware of how much of my history comes out when I write, fiction or not. Writing stories exposes us in so many ways and I have spent my whole life running, burying, closing in, withdrawing and trying desperately to remain hidden from those who would harm me. But I’ve also spent a lifetime running to, opening up, embracing, and reaching out in an attempt to understand, heal, and move forward. I have lived with the dual knowledge that I am worthy and worthless, capable and incompetent, powerful and fragile, and so many other opposites that it really amazes me some days that I’ve managed to keep going. I gave a talk once that was titled, ‘My Life is an Oxymoron’, and it still makes me smile to remember it. Despite all the hard, there has been so much joy and every day I discover something new. Sometimes what I discover is more of the hard, sometimes it is more of the joy, and sometimes it’s hard to tell what it is as the lines can blur.

Today, I discovered that I’m tired, and I’m a little unsure about whether I can push myself to keep writing. I’ve been away from the computer for the past 94 days. I quit smoking back in November and discovered that smoking and writing were intrinsically linked and for a time, I needed to stop writing to deal with that. I’ve gradually come back to doing morning pages and that has been a much-needed process, but today is the first time I’ve turned on the computer and tried to write.

I find writing these types of posts relatively easy. I can be a little vulnerable, a little exposed, and while I might occasionally touch on topics that are a little raw, for the most part, I never go near the hard stuff.