Ten years has passed so quickly. A friend posted on Facebook yesterday about her highs and lows for the last ten years and I thought, “What a lovely idea”.

Karen and I started talking about ours and the list was huge. So many changes, I hardly know where to begin, but here goes…

2010 saw me heading off to TAFE to do a Cert III in Community Services. It was during the introductory session, that I decided on a whim, to come out. Little did I know how much impact this statement would have on my life. I came out first as a lesbian, then years later, acknowledged I was bisexual. More time passed and I discovered that my gender identity is fluid and eventually, I decided to drop all the labels. I am a soul having a human experience that is broad as well as deep. I love. I love deeply and I don’t care what’s between your legs, only what is in your heart.

I found love, lost love and found it again. I have held my loved ones as they weep and I have grieved for those who left this life too soon. I have welcomed new life in ways unexpected but amazing and so beautiful.

I have broken, repaired and broken again and each time I put myself back together, I find that the new me is not scarred and ugly but a better, stronger version of me. I have walked down paths I never thought I’d see, learnt lessons I never thought I’d need to learn and I’ve learnt, as Mark Manson so eloquently puts it, to prioritise the fucks I give. I have learnt that my emotions are guide posts that inform me about the things that matter most to me, but they are not directives, I get to choose what I do with the information my emotions give me.

Somewhere in the last ten years, I decided to live. I have let go of my ‘dead man’s goals’, the ones that told me I needed to erase all my problems to be happy. I learnt that problems are inevitable, they are the price of existence. But I also learnt that I have control over these problems, that I can choose what and how I deal with them. I have learnt that happiness comes from solving problems and creating new ones that are values aligned.

Take today for example.

I have been a smoker for 35 years, excluding the four years where I binged on food instead. I have let addiction rule my life for way too long. I know it’s a coping mechanism, but I also know that there are better ways for me to deal with my trauma, anxiety and depression. This has been a problem and it’s a problem I no longer wish to give any energy to anymore.

So I decided to quit. I promised myself that today would be my last day as a smoker, my last day of letting that particular problem control my life. So now I have a new set of problems. Learning how to deal with my stress in healthier ways. Learning how to say no to that voice in my head. Creating more space for self-care to support my well-being. But these are problems I want in my life. These are better problems than the ones I get as a smoker.

This year I created another new problem. I enrolled in a Visual Arts course at TAFE. The irony is not lost on me that the beginning of this decade and the beginning of the next one, both start with education. Now, instead of wandering through my days trying to find things to do to alleviate my boredom, I have to plan my week again. I’ll have early starts, homework and exams to deal with. Money will need to be found to pay for materials and time will need to be managed so I can still fulfill my other responsibilities. And fear will need to be worked through. Allowing my creativity to bloom is going to be challenging on many levels. But these are problems that excite me. These are problems I’m looking forward to solving. These are problems that are values aligned and give meaning to my life.

I could fill a book with all the changes that have occurred in the last ten years and one day you’ll get to read that, but for now, I’m happy to say I’m grateful. I am not who I was ten years ago and I’m grateful for that. I am older, a little bit wiser and a lot more content with my lot. I’m looking forward to the next decade with anticipation and excitement; whatever happens, life is worth living.

Namaste

Raven

A.L.A.S